BEST UNOFFICIAL REMIX
Carly Rae Jepsen – “Call Me Maybe” (slowed down 1000%)
This should replace all white noise machines.
Harrison Mooney – “Call the Union”
This Vancouver sportswriter really wants the lockout to end. I do too, but I’m OK if that means we got this amazing parody of Robyn’s “Call Your Girlfriend.”
BIGGEST DICKS (LITERALLY AND METAPHORICALLY)
Their much-lauded debut The Money Store caught the attention of Epic, who signed them to a hefty contract. (Which is kinda their fault, because I have no idea how they would have marketed it.) Then, when Epic delayed the release of No Love Deep Web until 2013, the self-righteous bros leaked it online, replacing the album cover with a dick pic. Real mature, guys.
LEAST SUCCESSFUL AS A MUSICIAN/REAL PERSON
Lana Del Rey
The Internet’s most loved/hated person should not be a singer. But as a model/android, she has a long career ahead of her.
MOST LIKELY TO MAKE ME TURN THE DIAL
Again, as a pitchman for crappy beer, he’s perfect. But any time I hear his little tag (a tongue throttle followed by a high-pitched squeal), I can’t turn off the radio fast enough. Unfortunately, Mr. Worldwide lives up to his nickname. Dude’s everywhere!
SCARIEST ALBUM COVER
John Travolta & Olivia Newton-John – This Christmas
“Merry Christmas! We were just wrapping up your children.”
New Order (Palladium Ballroom)
Even without Peter Hook, the legendary electronic band proved they still had it, playing to a packed house in one of their only U.S. dates. All together now, “Every time I see you falling…”
KRUSTY THE CLOWN AWARD for RECORDING A SONG THAT “WOULD EMBARRASS REDD FOXX, GOD REST HIS SMUTTY SOUL”
Bruno Mars – “Gorilla”
Most of Unorthodox Jukebox is on the right side of the creepy-catchy divide (“Young Girls,” “Locked Out of Heaven”). This zoological ode to doin’ it is just too much.
BEST JOKE SONG
Y.N. Rich Kids – “Hot Cheetos and Takis”
I’m-a-tell you what we be snackin’ on…
BEST MUSIC VIDEO/CULTURAL PHENOMENON
Psy – “Gangnam Style”
As a song, it doesn’t make any sense, even if it wasn’t in Korean. But after one BILLION YouTube hits, the music video’s success makes a lot of sense. It’s international cuckoo bananas. In other words, exactly the kind of video I want to watch over and over.
Special Bonus Award: Recognition for an awesome thing that technically came out last year
Girl Walk//All Day
Just watch the whole thing while you pout that Gregg Gillis isn’t putting out another album until late 2013 at the earliest.