BEST UNOFFICIAL REMIX
Carly Rae Jepsen – “Call Me Maybe” (slowed down 1000%)
This should replace all white noise machines.
BEST PARODY
Harrison Mooney – “Call the Union”
This Vancouver sportswriter really wants the lockout to end. I do too, but I’m OK if that means we got this amazing parody of Robyn’s “Call Your Girlfriend.”
BIGGEST DICKS (LITERALLY AND METAPHORICALLY)
Death Grips
Their much-lauded debut The Money Store caught the attention of Epic, who signed them to a hefty contract. (Which is kinda their fault, because I have no idea how they would have marketed it.) Then, when Epic delayed the release of No Love Deep Web until 2013, the self-righteous bros leaked it online, replacing the album cover with a dick pic. Real mature, guys.
LEAST SUCCESSFUL AS A MUSICIAN/REAL PERSON
Lana Del Rey
The Internet’s most loved/hated person should not be a singer. But as a model/android, she has a long career ahead of her.
MOST LIKELY TO MAKE ME TURN THE DIAL
Pitbull
Again, as a pitchman for crappy beer, he’s perfect. But any time I hear his little tag (a tongue throttle followed by a high-pitched squeal), I can’t turn off the radio fast enough. Unfortunately, Mr. Worldwide lives up to his nickname. Dude’s everywhere!
SCARIEST ALBUM COVER
John Travolta & Olivia Newton-John – This Christmas
“Merry Christmas! We were just wrapping up your children.”
BEST CONCERT
New Order (Palladium Ballroom)
Even without Peter Hook, the legendary electronic band proved they still had it, playing to a packed house in one of their only U.S. dates. All together now, “Every time I see you falling…”
KRUSTY THE CLOWN AWARD for RECORDING A SONG THAT “WOULD EMBARRASS REDD FOXX, GOD REST HIS SMUTTY SOUL”
Bruno Mars – “Gorilla”
Most of Unorthodox Jukebox is on the right side of the creepy-catchy divide (“Young Girls,” “Locked Out of Heaven”). This zoological ode to doin’ it is just too much.
BEST JOKE SONG
Y.N. Rich Kids – “Hot Cheetos and Takis”
I’m-a-tell you what we be snackin’ on…
BEST MUSIC VIDEO/CULTURAL PHENOMENON
Psy – “Gangnam Style”
As a song, it doesn’t make any sense, even if it wasn’t in Korean. But after one BILLION YouTube hits, the music video’s success makes a lot of sense. It’s international cuckoo bananas. In other words, exactly the kind of video I want to watch over and over.
Special Bonus Award: Recognition for an awesome thing that technically came out last year
Girl Walk//All Day
Just watch the whole thing while you pout that Gregg Gillis isn’t putting out another album until late 2013 at the earliest.